Over the past year or so, I have found my productivity to be wanting. Instead of doing the best for my customers, I found myself procrastinating on work, simply because I find it boring. It has gotten to the point where my reputation is most likely shot, and I am now one of the legions of consultants that many have grown to hate. It really does not feel good to be one of those people who just leech money away from your company doing very little to help contribute to it. But this feeling still does not compel me to work.
This past Memorial Day weekend, I found myself at my family’s house and vineyard, where they are growing Merlot and Viognier grapes. Laid on about 3 acres, populated with three dogs, and three horses, it is a nice rural home with all of the creature comforts. A result of several years (I want to say three years, but my memory may be failing me here) of extremely hard labor, mostly by one guy – my brother in law – with help by his wife – my sister – they both built this small precious world out of acidic forested grounds.
They did it because they want to do it. They both love their dogs, and they wanted horses to raise and ride on. My brother-in-law went even further, desiring a young difficult female horse to train and ride on. They initially planned on two horses, and lately been discussing about getting a fourth horse to be a mother, and raise a baby horse.
They will be harvesting their first batch of grapes this fall (hopefully, if everything cooperates from the weather to the wildlife), and send it off to a winery to have wines made.
I sat there outside, and thought about what they have done. Tucker, one of their dogs – a corgi welsh, tried his best to keep me occupied by having me throw a Frisbee or a rubber ball for him to fetch with great glee. While throwing, I still wonder – would I ever be able to do something like this?
Right now, the answer is no. There is one key difference between myself and the two of them: They want it. They want to ride horses. They want to farm. They want to live in the great open sky. They want to even go as far as buying more lands at great expenses just to preserve the privacy they are enjoying. They want to appreciate a nice hot tub under the stars. They want a lot of things, and they are actually doing all they can to achieve their dreams. Since they desire this, they are far more willing to put in the great effort on doing the little annoying things to achieve their dreams.
They have to spray the grapes because there’s a great risk of the plants getting fungus. They have to groom their horses. They have to mow the grass. They have to clean the horse poops 3 times a day. They have to feed the animals. They have to maintain a lot of their equipments.
I do not want a farm. I do not desire a wide open land of grass to mow. I do not want dogs. I do not want horses. I do not want to be confined to my home at the expense of not traveling. I do not want to do any of those things. It is not in my desire to live a life like that.
I really enjoy the place. I love the dogs. I find the horses fascinating. But as the saying goes, I would rather be an uncle, than a father – all the fun stuff, without the nasty stuff. I really appreciate the hard work my family done. I really appreciate the efforts my peers and others have made to get things done. I just do not want to do it.
Is that a character flaw for me? The attitude I am holding here at work, not desiring to do the dirty work anymore, although I enjoy this stuff on a much more superficial level? I do chat and hold great conversations with my peers. But when they go back and code up something because they have to, I go back and seek other stuff to learn about.
It is not that I hate this job – I love to travel. I love to meet new people. I love to explore new things. I am just not doing what I am supposed to do – work my butt off, and get this project done. That’s why even though I feel a renewed resolve to finish this project, I know this will go away, and I will slack off once again.
What do I really want to do, and how can I make a living doing what I want? What is there that I feel an urge to do to the point where I’m willing to do the dirty work to achieve that? I had the drive to code, but now I don’t.
I got a lot more thinking to do.
